


An Open Letter to Closed Feelings

by flxss



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: Autistic Character, Closeted Character, Estranged, Friends to Lovers, Gay, Letters, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pre-Relationship, Pretentious, Self-Hatred, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:46:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27867094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flxss/pseuds/flxss
Summary: A quick rambling of feelings, where Richard explains, in the best way he can, what he is feeling.
Relationships: Jared Dunn/Richard Hendricks
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13





	An Open Letter to Closed Feelings

Jared.

There are a great many things I wish to say to you. I would, if I had the strength, exert these demons and pass them on, to your pale blue eyes, so that they could torment you for a split second. But I don’t want that. I am adept at this, juggling the balls of self-hatred, although I could eventually expect to falter, drop it, if I look left or right for too long- into the pale blue eyes of a passerby. 

I was not always like this (under a lace veil, black). I don’t think I was at least. When I was younger I could say what I wanted, what I thought, what I felt. ‘My knee hurts’ ‘I feel left out’ ‘I like him’ - I never said the last one. Did I say any of it? Or did I leave the scabs to peel, the friends to play without me, as I left the boy to think I didn’t know him. I haven’t told you, or anyone, that one of my earliest (and most potent) memories is that of running from a girl, my supposed valentine. The children crowded like geese, in a perverted marriage ritual, after me squawking. Accept! Accept! Accept! Accept what? To feel where I don’t... or to feel where I _do _?__

__Childhood innocence must have passed me at some point, I couldn’t have been the only one to be left from this experience, to have skipped straight to the hard part. Those emotions I felt at my early ages must have had the golden hue of childhood, that I could enliven by way of nostalgia, instead of whatever ice-bathed feelings I must drag and wring from my head at present._ _

__If you had asked me if I liked you, I wouldn’t know what to say. You know what to say; You can write poetry of it even if verbally the words are harder to form. You, my question-mark, can urge yourself to peek sideways in a darkened cinema whilst I stare straight-fixed forwards, paralyzed to acknowledge the way you turn and bite your lip at the jokes, wanting to see me smile. In exchange, I avoid and make sure to put multiple seats between us, in case you strengthen the attachment I failed to prevent and will fail to return._ _

__And then it’s too late, then you are the person I pass occasionally in a hallway, grimace at politely, and turn to continue with my day. Because of me, my rejection. The tables turned, months on now. Finally, the winter months catch up with me and you still live in my mind as your former self. Those feelings I refused, or was unable to feel, have taken action and lodged themselves in the edges of my eyes for storage._ _

__You must think me cruel, cold to the touch, but it’s the one thing I can’t stand, to see you hate me now. I am not cold at all, I am too warm, I feel it deeply within me at all times, at my core. But that is the thing. It’s at my core, sucking in the rest of it. I am endothermic, pulling in energy only to expel cool air, in and out again and again, struggling to keep the equilibrium lest I implode. You’re the opposite, you give out warmth, lovely heat of affection, but you deserve that back._ _

__I don’t know where to end this. I have no conclusions on my feelings, just that they’re confusing and you [!] seem to have everything figured out and here I am, so many years on from knowing you and my head is still trying to find the corner pieces of the puzzle. Maybe I can eventually get the picture together. I’m sure you’re there._ _

__Richard H._ _

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry, this is an oddly personal piece, but I thought it could at least be here for some people to enjoy. I wrote it in a frenzy, trying to express it as best I can. I find it incredibly difficult to sort out my own emotions and it causes me to freeze, I feel like I'm still frozen. That's what I tried to explore. I hope that you enjoy this, please let me know if you would like a Jared version as well... Or a response?


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